In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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