i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
