Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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