I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
