You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
