Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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