It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Randomize
