Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
