life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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