I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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