I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
