He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
