Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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