Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Randomize
