i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
