I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
