i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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