You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
