Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
