Only a mothe r could love this liver
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
