my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
