I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
