i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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