I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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