I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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