I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
