i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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