Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
