i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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