this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
