I'm going to jail i love you
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize