there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
