glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
so let's talk penis.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
