Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
