it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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