His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
