Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
