I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
