Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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