she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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