as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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