Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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