it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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