i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
