I could make wine with my vomit
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize