Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize