I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
