I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
