We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
