I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
