i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
