And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
