I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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