this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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