hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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